The Process Part 1 Battle Wounds (1 of 4)

For a couple of years now I have been on the journey of healing from multiple injuries due to a bootcamp workout. During the process of healing I’ve had multiple surgeries, injections, medications and countless hours of physical therapy. This has been a painful, emotional & taxing journey with each step revealing more along the way.

From the start of my journey to healing I had many rules, orders, medications & suggestions to follow. In my stubbornness, I did my best to follow them but refused to ask for help along the way. I could do it. I’ve got this thing. All the while claiming I am healed in Jesus Name & having an attitude of I’ve got this on my own.Clearly, I wasn’t fully letting God in much less anyone else to assist me along the way.

Having the best of intentions, I decided I did not want to bother anyone with what I was walking through. I didn’t need help, this is just a little bump in the road. I’m pretty sure this is pride in reverse & God is not the center of walking thru this mess. The intent was right, but the way I carried it out wasn’t. I carried this thought process for well over a year, I have a stubborn streak to the core.

During this time I had 2 boots & 2 casts to heal 5 fractures, the muscles & tendons I separated. I’ve gone through 2 sets of crutches, a wheel chair and 2 surgeries. It’s shocking how much I made myself do while wearing casts & being on crutches. I drug that cast all over the place while standing on one leg. While in the boots I continued to do a modified workout.I refused to look weak or not be able to do something on my own. None of  which being doctors orders by the way. It was my way of masking my wounds & not wanting to stop, take the time & focus on what was needed to heal.

The injuries to our heart are very similar,they hurt to our core & deep to the heart. We prefer to say things like I’m fine or it will be ok. In life when we are wounded by hurt, fear or rejection we can only cover it up for so long. The wounds will show up in places in our lives, relationships, jobs & family.

The wounds in our lives mean as much to God as the healed places in our hearts. God’s heart is, let’s take a look at this and go deeper.Let me in & heal the parts of your heart that have been broken & damaged.

After the bones & muscles healed I still had pain. This pain was a knife stabbing kind of pain in my heel. After what I had been through I did not want another doctor’s appointment. I did not want to be touched, looked at, tests ran or share my story with anyone. I was simply over it all, I wanted to be normal again. The problem was, I still needed to go deeper to find the root of the problem & pain.

Just like what the doctors wanted to do, God does in our lives. The pain had been masked by pain medications, so I couldn’t tell I was still injured. We often mask the wounds in our hearts with anger, insecurity, resentment, bitterness, or by cracking jokes often at the expense of others. God loves us too much to leave us wounded & broken.

My doctors followed the road of pain from my injury with all roads leading to the nerves in my back.  I had many tests and the results led to a blown back with my sciatic nerve trapped. I was in so much pain and was so miserable.

Like the root was to my injury, so is the root to the wounds in our hearts. I had compensated so much that I’d strained muscles & over worked parts of my body. Hearts that are wounded overused, strained & compensate by using substances, people & exhaust all we have to give.

I began a 13 month painful treatment of epidural spinal injections & medications. This was an attempt to treat the problem instead of fixing the problem.  Just like the doctors trying to treat a problem we also do with our hearts. We love to treat our wounds & mask them when they really need healed.

I had to make the choice to have back surgery and trust the surgeon. The surgeon had to go to the root of the problem. I knew it would be painful & I wouldn’t be able to do things on my own. I would cry and show emotions which I prefer not to do. However, I made the choice to no longer function at 60%, I wanted to be healed to 100%.

Often we choose not to look at the wounds in our hearts because it’s messy and we have zero control.  God says, “I want to live in your heart.” He wants to heal your wounds, hurts & brokenness. Yes, it can be a messy & we will have emotions we prefer to hide that will come out. BUT GOD! But God will walk with us, live inside of us & hold our hearts in His hands. When we choose to let go we become free & healing can begin.

Just like we have to do with our hearts, I had to do with my recovery & healing. I wanted to be free of crutches and a wheel chair. I had to decide to trust the doctors & the process towards healing. When we let go physically of what is holding us back and begin to trust the process, our healing can begin & heal the battle wounds in our life.

 

 

Don’t Give Up

 

 

I have walked through one of the most difficult times to date in my life. In short I had foot/ankle surgery 7 weeks ago. I just knew I would be back to it, the daily routine and being my ever so busy bee self within 2 weeks. Here we are 7 weeks later and I am still not walking and haven’t driven in months. I am literally learning to walk all over again and this process is so painful at times. Can you hear the screams on the inside? What? Are you kidding me? I am not going according to “my” pace? Not to mention I have to receive help, key word receive not resent the fact I must have help.

One of the key factors of the above paragraph is pride. I had no idea that was in my heart, I know I don’t ever feel I exalt myself above another. I without a doubt just know I have it together and that has been rooted out years ago. Clearly this isn’t the case.

The first few weeks I was totally 100% relying on my husband to do everything. Our church kindly provided meals for the first few weeks, thank the Lord for this or we would have starved. This is important to know because in the past I wouldn’t do that on any level. You know the “I can handle it,” “someone else needs that above me,” and the all to common “I just don’t want to bother anyone.” P-R-I-D-E!

In no way does our Heavenly Father do something to harm us, it would go against His nature (everything good, perfect, noble, kind and so on). However, I have learned he will allow a hardship, trial and test to show us what is in our heart. To root it out and grow us, which is for our benefit because He loves us so much.

Being in the 7th week of this process (which in retrospect of the rest of my life isn’t that much) I have learned to just trust my Father that He will protect me. Also, that everything will be completed and taken care of if I am not always involved. After all I am a Pastors wife and isn’t it my job to make sure all the t’s are crossed and i’s are dotted? NO!!! I have learned that my girls will be ok and they actually LOVE to help if I will give them the opportunity. Also, do not worry how others see you, I have in the past felt I needed to “look together” and be able to handle anything thrown my way always with grace. Well news flash, I have found I don’t and that is what makes this so perfect, it gives God the ability to show Himself strong on my behalf. Lastly, Josh, my ever so kind husband, I didn’t realize I have felt I didn’t want to let him down and look “weak”. Wow, what a mistake that was, because I was not giving him the opportunity to be strong for me and stand in the gap. I could go on and on but you get the point.

Pride will keep us from the blessing of letting others close into our lives. We will lose the ability to receive love by letting others in and be a blessing. Meekness isn’t weakness, but power under control.

I found is so interesting when my mom-in-law drove from Oklahoma this week to cook us dinner, I just set there. She mentioned to me that 3 months ago I wouldn’t even let her in my kitchen. WOW!!! That is years of behavior wiped out in this 7 week difficulty. To my amazement I could not believe how much change had happened in my heart.

It is important to mention during this time I have continued to seek Him through, loads and loads of teaching, reading my word and many great books and of course prayer.  I knew if  I just kept my heart open to what God wants to show me then I would overcome this very hard season in mine & my family’s life. Making the choice of getting into a place of why me, why can’t it be someone else or just giving up and letting “life” just do what it will (which is chance not faith in Jesus) will not help you to overcome. Just keep your Spirit open to all God has for you and let him transform you.

In conclusion, I have learned that often times God  will use people to show us love. If we are to busy (prideful) to not receive the help, care & support, we keep people/God our Father at the same arms length. I never knew this was part of my nature I had developed I believe as a child; with the loss of my father & abandonment of my mother. It is so important to just let those things go, they can help shape you into all God has called you to be. I am no where close to where I want to be, but I am not where I once was in my heart. God can use every situation to totally transform your life. Our job is to keep walking, don’t give up, walk in the love of God and his grace & forgiveness. Don’t Give Up!

 

In The Midst of Adversity You Are Covered

Rather than saying “God, here is my problem,” we should put the problem into perspective by saying, “Problem, here is my God! 
Anonymous 

We’ve all had to face adversity in our lives. It’s a time of hardship, affliction, recession, depression and otherwise unfortunate circumstances. If you are like me, you probably thought adversity would be a breeze after you sold out to Jesus.

Wow, was I ever wrong! In the beginning of my Christian walk, it seemed the more I obeyed God the more adversity came my way. I quickly discovered that I didn’t like adversity. I still don’t. I like peace. Like a severe storm, you can almost sense adversity coming…the calm before the storm. When the storm of adversity comes, it demands your total attention.

Adversity visits us all from time to time – and in many different ways. It can come disguised as marriage trouble, sickness, financial calamity, hardship from personal attacks, or even difficulty in the workplace and many other ways. Adversity is no respecter of persons. All of us will face it. The question is how will we respond to it.

There is a  scripture in the Word of God that reveals, “If we give up in the day of adversity our strength will be small” (Proverbs 24:10). In this context, giving means to withdraw, let go, or to show yourself slack. Instead of pressing through of what is a time of growth, we shrink back because we prefer to not go through the opposition. This will stunt our growth, I personally prefer growth.

When adversity hits, most people have a tendency to look for a way of escape…shrink back and say it’s not worth it. The Lord is very specific in this verse, though. He makes it clear that withdrawing from adversity is not the way to go. He also makes it clear that if we back off from times of trouble we lack spiritual strength.

Let me tell you stepping into the call of God on your life, does in fact come with adversity. As I have began to fulfill the call of God on my life it seems there are plenty of times to shrink back, or grow through adversity. Folks think that being a leader is something so great and is so breezy easy. That couldn’t be further from the truth, to get to where God is taking you, there is always opposition you have to overcome.  I have purposed in my heart, I will not give up, I will not give in. I will keep pressing forwarding, keep growing in Him, and love people. All the while knowing that in adversity I grow deep roots of strength.
Over the past few weeks I have seen several go through adversity and opposition. Cancer diagnosis, offense of a church member, illness, financial attack, a driving accident and so on. Some have grabbed ahold to the word of God and not given an inch. Others have taken to offense and left the place God put them to grow.  The attack on finances has caused folks to stop giving instead of standing on faith continuing to give; knowing that God will not let them fall but is faithful.  One friend had an accident and proclaimed the good news that God  protected her, giving Him all the glory. One group shrank back another group grew deeper roots.

I have personally been walking through a mess. Both of my daughters had strep then I  had it. Which turned into bronchitis and now into pneumonia. You name the symptom I have had it, and it’s not been pretty. As I thought about this adversity and my attitude through it, God has began to show me where I need growth & where I have  grown. One area of growth, I have received help and have reached out, not trying to do this alone. The pride I had isn’t there in the area of thinking I have to “do it all”, and not receiving help. Did you know that people really do want to help? Letting yourself say, “I need help, now,” is huge. That’s a place of letting God work in your life and a step of surrendering.

Another area I have noticed is the desire to just watch as much bible teaching as I can. I watch and re watch my favorite teachers. The enemy didn’t win in shutting my spirit man down. I felt myself just get so sad the other day and lonely, Josh has been gone so much I almost wanted to throw a pity party for myself. Instead, I asked my friend Rachel to come and set with me (for goodness sake she only lives 5 minutes from me) and just talk for a few hours, that is HUGE for me. My spirit man grew a little bit bigger this week.

Now the areas I have seen I need to surrender to the Lord. I have really struggled with how others perceive me. I am a pastor’s wife and I haven’t been to a service in 2 Sunday’s. My girls were sick then I became even more sick. What will others think, and will they be upset with me?  Seriously God is the only one I need to seek approval of, and now I see how I really need to give that to the Lord. I felt the same about my trainer, is he going to be upset with me because I can’t go to the gym? Not that I could do one workout without throwing up all over the place. Lastly joy, oh my how we let joy be stolen in the midst of adversity. I have had moments of just not wanting to talk, to upset, then crying and snappy.  Let me tell you, I still tried to be joyful. However, how I felt would take over from time to time. This is an area the enemy will attack the most, trying to get us to be led by our feelings. By faith we have to surrender our feelings to the Lord and speak we are full of joy until we see the evidence of it in our life. This is possible and there is so much power in doing so.

When adversity hits, most people have a tendency to look for a way of escape.. Shrink back and say it’s not worth it.  The Lord is very specific in the verse Proverbs 24:10. He makes it clear that withdrawing from adversity is not the way to go. He also makes it clear that if we back off from times of trouble we lack spiritual strength.

When adversity attacks, run to Jesus: When adversity attacks, the first thing you should do is run to Jesus. Don’t flake out, shut down, break rank or isolate yourself from those who can help you. Run to Jesus. Remember that Jesus is the Author and Finisher of your faith. He said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Jesus will not let you down. You can trust Him to get you through this turbulence. After you run to Jesus, check your heart. Go down your personal checklist and check yourself. If you have sinned, repent. If you violated the Word in any way, repent. Running to Jesus coupled with repentance should always be our first reaction to adversity.

One thing to help you overcome adversity – get back to church. God’s Word is very specific: don’t forsake the assembling of yourself together with other believers (Hebrews 4:9). Listen, faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Isolation is not healthy. Find a good Bible-believing church where the power of changed lives is visible. Plug in and help that church fulfill its vision.

Adversity attacks everybody, but with your love for Jesus you can overcome it every time. Remember this, God causes all things to work together for good to those that love him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). That’s you! With Christ in your life you can make it through every sorrow, oppression, trouble and adversity.

Psalms 91:1,2  He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,  my God, in whom I trust.”