Category Archives: past

The Process Part 1 Battle Wounds (1 of 4)

For a couple of years now I have been on the journey of healing from multiple injuries due to a bootcamp workout. During the process of healing I’ve had multiple surgeries, injections, medications and countless hours of physical therapy. This has been a painful, emotional & taxing journey with each step revealing more along the way.

From the start of my journey to healing I had many rules, orders, medications & suggestions to follow. In my stubbornness, I did my best to follow them but refused to ask for help along the way. I could do it. I’ve got this thing. All the while claiming I am healed in Jesus Name & having an attitude of I’ve got this on my own.Clearly, I wasn’t fully letting God in much less anyone else to assist me along the way.

Having the best of intentions, I decided I did not want to bother anyone with what I was walking through. I didn’t need help, this is just a little bump in the road. I’m pretty sure this is pride in reverse & God is not the center of walking thru this mess. The intent was right, but the way I carried it out wasn’t. I carried this thought process for well over a year, I have a stubborn streak to the core.

During this time I had 2 boots & 2 casts to heal 5 fractures, the muscles & tendons I separated. I’ve gone through 2 sets of crutches, a wheel chair and 2 surgeries. It’s shocking how much I made myself do while wearing casts & being on crutches. I drug that cast all over the place while standing on one leg. While in the boots I continued to do a modified workout.I refused to look weak or not be able to do something on my own. None of  which being doctors orders by the way. It was my way of masking my wounds & not wanting to stop, take the time & focus on what was needed to heal.

The injuries to our heart are very similar,they hurt to our core & deep to the heart. We prefer to say things like I’m fine or it will be ok. In life when we are wounded by hurt, fear or rejection we can only cover it up for so long. The wounds will show up in places in our lives, relationships, jobs & family.

The wounds in our lives mean as much to God as the healed places in our hearts. God’s heart is, let’s take a look at this and go deeper.Let me in & heal the parts of your heart that have been broken & damaged.

After the bones & muscles healed I still had pain. This pain was a knife stabbing kind of pain in my heel. After what I had been through I did not want another doctor’s appointment. I did not want to be touched, looked at, tests ran or share my story with anyone. I was simply over it all, I wanted to be normal again. The problem was, I still needed to go deeper to find the root of the problem & pain.

Just like what the doctors wanted to do, God does in our lives. The pain had been masked by pain medications, so I couldn’t tell I was still injured. We often mask the wounds in our hearts with anger, insecurity, resentment, bitterness, or by cracking jokes often at the expense of others. God loves us too much to leave us wounded & broken.

My doctors followed the road of pain from my injury with all roads leading to the nerves in my back.  I had many tests and the results led to a blown back with my sciatic nerve trapped. I was in so much pain and was so miserable.

Like the root was to my injury, so is the root to the wounds in our hearts. I had compensated so much that I’d strained muscles & over worked parts of my body. Hearts that are wounded overused, strained & compensate by using substances, people & exhaust all we have to give.

I began a 13 month painful treatment of epidural spinal injections & medications. This was an attempt to treat the problem instead of fixing the problem.  Just like the doctors trying to treat a problem we also do with our hearts. We love to treat our wounds & mask them when they really need healed.

I had to make the choice to have back surgery and trust the surgeon. The surgeon had to go to the root of the problem. I knew it would be painful & I wouldn’t be able to do things on my own. I would cry and show emotions which I prefer not to do. However, I made the choice to no longer function at 60%, I wanted to be healed to 100%.

Often we choose not to look at the wounds in our hearts because it’s messy and we have zero control.  God says, “I want to live in your heart.” He wants to heal your wounds, hurts & brokenness. Yes, it can be a messy & we will have emotions we prefer to hide that will come out. BUT GOD! But God will walk with us, live inside of us & hold our hearts in His hands. When we choose to let go we become free & healing can begin.

Just like we have to do with our hearts, I had to do with my recovery & healing. I wanted to be free of crutches and a wheel chair. I had to decide to trust the doctors & the process towards healing. When we let go physically of what is holding us back and begin to trust the process, our healing can begin & heal the battle wounds in our life.

 

 

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New Days Ahead

 

A new journey can be so frightening and intimidating. As I step into being a homeschool mom while still balancing my work and Pastor’s wife, I look back to how I put off this commitment and journey for a year because of fear.

What if we lived our lives afraid of what might be? Or in my case, a fear of failing my children and loss of time to complete things I want and need to do. Being led by fear or insecurity will just lead to a life of regret and what if’s. For me, that is not something I am willing to live with in the least. PUSH!MOVE ON! COMMIT! LOOK FOR THE GOOD TO COME!

How do we do this in our lives? There are times we need to pull back and just get rid of the noise. Oh, how I love the tv off and total silence. Take some time to reflect, pray and the key to it all…listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit.  How do you know the voice of the Lord? Spend time with him and cut out a few things that keep your mind & heart full of noise. This alone will change things drastically in your life, and you will be able to hear the direction for your life.

Having a willing heart that wants to want to please the Lord and walk the walk he has prepared for you will drastially change things in our lives. I had to be wiling to listen, lay down my own ways & pursue what HE has for me. With this comes a grace to be able to do what you would not be able to in your own strength. 

As we come upon the end of the week I am so surprised about the ease of stepping into being a homeschool mom. I still have to learn how to balance a bit, but the peace and joy as I teach the girl has been something I wasn’t prepared for while teaching. I thought it would be an ok God, I will do this because you said so. HA! That wouldn’t be God’s best now would it? Nope. He says if you listen to my voice I will direct your steps. He promises to not put anything on us that we can’t walk through, and that we will be graced to do along with His super on our natural. 

So whatever it is that you are delaying,decided today to listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit. Take time in your quite place to hear from Him then take the step. He will direct your path!

 

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Scars

 

 

As I drove home from the gym this morning, I began to think about scars. How they look. How they heal. How did it get there in the first place. The Lord began to show me how scars relate to how He transforms our life.

Over 20 years ago I had a surgery that changed my life forever. A doctor made a mistake, which in turn caused me to have a total hysterectomy at age 19. I have a scar from one side to the other on my lower abdomen (along with others in the same area). These aren’t noticeable to others, however they are to me. They are reminder of a deep wound not only physically but emotionally. I don’t dwell on this, I have accepted it as part of my past.

I have experienced great disappointment of never physically being able to have children, and hurt from the trauma caused by the hand of someone I trusted (my doctor). What was an attempt to destroy life, turned into something that forever filled my life with great joy. Had I not had the hysterectomy,  I may have never adopted my 2 daughters. What the enemy meant for bad, God turned into good. The scars of the past, are erased when I see them. They are my absolute joy.

This is how Jesus is when we accept Him into our hearts. The wounds and things of the past are healed. We may have the memories and thoughts which are the scars but we have a future in Him, which heals the broken hearted.  I want to encourage you today that the scars of the past do not determine your future. They may take you in a different direction, BUT God will turn whatever was meant for bad into good.

The scars Jesus has in his side and hands, are the scars that reveal our future. Jesus took the most brutal beating that left him with scars of His past, but oh my goodness the promise of the future. Jesus knew that the wounds He took for us were to give us our destiny, a great future in Him. His scars from the nails in His hands, to the spear in His side are a reminder of Him being raised from the dead and the redemption for His people. Thank you Father that you heal the wounds of our past and have given us the promise of a great future through your only Son.

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